Full Disclosure: This was a post done for CBR.com back in 2008 by Gescher Joe Rice titled, cytotec Definitive List of the Five Best Flashes Ever Anywhere.
The only reason I’m reposting/reformatting it here is because the archived link is formatted a little wonky in its current form – plus he used a drawing I did for the pic of Flash Gordon (which I got a big kick out of).
Comics and nerd “culture” have long been blessed with awesome characters named “Flash.” In the usual CSBG style of pentatonic lists, I will now display the absolute facts as to who is best.
5. Funky Flashman
First off, he was made by Jack Kirby, so that’s got him some cred right there.
Secondly, he’s a parody of Stan the Man after Stan totally screwed Jack over.
Thirdly, he wears a toupee on his head . . .AND ONE ON HIS FACE.
The beard is fake!
That’s so awesome that I can’t get over it.
But it’s not nearly as awesome as that cravat. Goddam, I love a good cravat.
4. Flash Gordon
Just look at that guy.
I want you to tell me right now that he won’t stone laser your face off.
You can’t tell me that because he obviously will.
His shirt’s all ripped and he is hard.
Look at those eyes.
Are they a killer’s eyes?
They are an awesome laserer’s eyes I know that much.
You only wish you had the cajones to step to a man like Flash Gordon.
NO ONE DOES.
Except maybe for this dude here!
3. Sgt. Flash
GI Joe’s original laser trooper expert.
You always knew he was cool because he had red pads and a weapon that doesn’t really make sense in any battlefield sense.
You know what I would give for slacks like that?
A few babies, that’s what (any ethnicity).
I always liked Flash, and that makes him awesome.
Almost as awesome as this man right here.
2. Flash Thompson
Look at him.
He’s got a sweet sweater with his last initial on it.
The ladies love him.
And he gives that unbelievable tool Parker just what he deserves.
And please don’t think I’m being sarcastic here.
Can you imagine having to deal with that whining ninny in high school?
I bet you can because you did.
That’s because school’s don’t have proper alpha males like Flash Thompson anymore.
Sure, Steve Ditko played him as a bad guy, but that’s because Ditko was a nerdy freak, too.
Flash Thompson is frickin cool.
And the greatest Flash of all time?
This guy with his name misspelled.
Seriously, screw all those red and yellow fast crapfaces.
Barry’s boring, Wally’s a former Teen Titan and therefore a giant entitled Gen X/Boomer whiner.
And Jay is old and therefore probably a Republican.
And running really fast is dumb as a power, so they give them everything else in the world.
This post is fact.